Insomnia
by Miss Lily Rose Snape
Summary: Quinn surveyed the pistol in her hand. The silver coloured steel glistened in the firelight, making the pistol seem so innocent.


Quinn Fabray sat in her favourite wingback chair in front of her massive fireplace. It was the perfect place to do this. To end her pain, the pain that she had caused her. How many times had they sat in front of this very fireplace, talking, kissing, and making love? Many times she had been on the brink of replacing the stone hearth, but sentimentality had kept her from it; more times than she could count.

Quinn surveyed the pistol in her hand. The silver coloured steel glistened in the firelight, making the pistol seem so innocent. She tilted it, allowing the bullets to slide slightly further down the casing. She tipped it back, entranced by the clicking of the gun. Over and over she tipped it, lost in the motions and sounds. She had no idea how much time passed as she did this; it may have been minutes, maybe hours. Her motions ceased at the sound of her bedroom door opening. She palmed the gun, sure that the woman who approached her, her wife, would know exactly what it was. When she reached Quinn's side, she bent low and spoke quietly in her ear.

"What are you doing up so late, Quinn?" she purred, "Come back to bed, I'm sure I can find something to occupy you with if you can't sleep…" she let her words hang in the air suggestively before crossing in front of her and sashaying back to the bedroom, her hips swaying side to side seductively.

After a moment of consideration, she decided that at this particular point in time, sex with her wife was preferable to wallowing in self-pity in front of the fire. Who knew, maybe she would actually get some sleep. She rose from her chair, deposited the pistol back into the drawer where it was kept, and followed her wife into the bedroom.

Hours later, she was still awake in her bed. Quinn's wife was sprawled across her chest, her wifes thick brown hair covering her back and tickling her breast. Though her wife never seemed to have trouble falling asleep after sex, she never did; and as the first rays of sunlight permeated the darkness of the room, she slipped out from under her sleeping and wife to prepare for the long day ahead.

Only two nights had passed before Quinn found herself in front of the fire again. She twirled the weapon between her fingers absently as she became lost in her thoughts.

_Very few students returned to McKinley the year after World War three. Mr. Schuester had been named Principal, however, Rachel Berry and Quinn Fabray were one of the students who did return. Regular classes were not held, as there were not nearly enough students for that, so the days had been spent in Glee club, or cheerleading. During this time, it was mostly just Quinn and Rachel. Following their graduation, Rachel moved to New York to start on her Career and Quinn's growing friendship with the Rachel led her to follow her to New York._

_After spending so much time alone together at school it seemed only natural that they had become friends. They had become quite close during the Glee club, and now, all they had was each other. Many Sunday afternoons were spent together in front of Quinn's fireplace, at Quinn's holiday house, talking, reading, and sometimes just sitting in silence._

_It was one of those silent days the first time Quinn kissed Rachel. They had spoken a few words of greeting when Rachel arrived at her door, but after that they had sat in a comfortable silence watching the flames dance in the grate. They had settled on the sofa in her living area, and Rachel surprised Quinn by leaning right into her, which was not a common occurrence. Quinn put her arm about Rachel in order to make herself more comfortable, and she snuggled in even further. Quinn was surprised to feel a pang of disappointment when she pulled away from her some time later; but when Rachel turned to face her, she knew something was different in the way she was looking at her. She could never have been prepared for her question. Could she kiss her?_

_She was stunned. Part of her wanted to say no and reprimand Rachel for being so foolish, and another wanted to take Rachel up in her arms and kiss her senseless. She opened her mouth to turn Rachel down, there was no way she could risk losing their friendship, but the words seemed to be frozen in her throat. Before she even realized what she was doing, she was nodding her head slowly in acceptance. Rachel leaned closer and placed her lips on Quinn's. They were gone again, before she even had a chance to respond. Rachel smiled absently for a moment, touching her lips before asking Quinn what he would like to order from Chinese for dinner._

_As their Sunday afternoons continued, there were more kisses, though much less awkward than their first one. "I love you Rachel," said Quinn quietly one evening as Rachel prepared to leave. Rachel froze for a moment, before busying her hands by fixing her hair._

"_You do?" she replied_

"_I know I do. I've never felt this way about anyone before." She answered solemnly._

_Rachel nodded her head and stood on her toes to give Quinn a light kiss. "I love you too. Goodnight." She said with no small amount of apprehension. Quinn didn't even notice her hesitation. The woman she loved said she loved her back. She felt as if her heart might burst._

Quinn snorted. What a fool she had been. Declaring her love like a silly little schoolgirl, too wrapped up in her happiness to notice Rachel wasn't sure of her words. It wasn't until later, when Quinn had replayed the moment over and over in her mind, that she noticed Rachel's reluctance to repeat the words. What a fool she had been. What a fool…

_Quinn pulled her closer, and kissed Rachel again. Rachel slid her hands underneath Quinn's bra, running her fingers along her breast and down her abdomen. Quinn's eyes widened as Rachel slipped her hand into Quinn's skirtand began to touch her. Rachel pulled away slightly, and Quinn looked at her questioningly. Quinn's eyes widened even further as he realized what she was doing. Rachel unbuttoned her skirt robes and then her own. Quinn hadn't been expecting this to happen so soon in the relationship, but she wasn't complaining. No, definitely not._

_She was not entirely sure if Rachel was a virgin that first time, so she went slow and tried to make her more comfortable just in case. She had been more than surprised when, not fifteen minutes after they had finished, she was ready to do it again._

_After that, they saw no more silent Sunday afternoons reading in front of the fire. They now spent most of their time in Quinn's bed, or in the shower, or the chair, their old reading spot in front of the fire, and even her dining table. "I love you," Quinn said as Rachel led her out of the kitchen, still tingling from their frantic coupling against the shelves._

"_I love you too" she replied easily, for she had become accustomed to saying these words._

She lifted the gun, and brought it before her eyes. A sound from the next room warned Quinn that her wife was waking. She placed the pistol back in its case, and hid it from sight as the bedroom door opened. Her wife approached her as she had a few nights previous. She passed by Quinn and continued toward the washroom. As soon as she had closed the door, Quinn rose from her chair and placed the gun back in its drawer at her desk. As Quinn reached her chair, her wife emerged from the bathroom, desire shining in her heavy-lidded eyes. "Come to bed."

This could not go on. This was the fifth night in the past week and a half that she had spent the night in front of the fire, unable to sleep. It had been exactly three years ago today that she had proposed to her…

_Quinn nervously fingered the box in her pocket, wondering if she would finally find the courage to ask Rachel to marry her. They had only been together a year, but they were so close. Why should there have to be a long relationship before an engagement? Quinn already knew that Rachel was the one for her. She would never love anyone as much as she loved Rachel, and this was the perfect way to have her forever. Marriage was forever._

_They met outside of an Ice cream shop. She began chatting about work, and a co-worker who was going to have a baby, and she mentioned she was very close to being given a spot in a major A-list film. When Quinn neglected to congratulate her, or make any comment at all, Rachel looked at her worriedly._

_Rachel's eyes widened at the sight of her. Quinn was pale, and sweating profusely. Rachel stopped walking, and looked at Quinn closely, trying to discern if there were any physical injuries. Rachel noticed that Quinns hand was trembling in her own, and she looked quite distracted. Quinn hadn't even noticed that they had stopped walking, nor was she aware that she was under her scrutiny. After a few moments, Rachel started to become a bit worried. "Quinn... Quinn… Quinn!" Her eyes took a moment to focus on Rachel, as if her thoughts had been very far away. "Are you alright? What is wrong with you? We've been standing here for over two minutes and you haven't blinked once!" Rachel's voice rose in panic._

"_I'm fine," Quinn said "just a bit preoccupied." She added, hoping Rachel would calm down. Rachel gave her a wary look, and then motioned for them to continue walking._

_As they reached the marble steps in front of the Town Hall, the words seemed to spill from Quinn's mouth. "Marry me, Rachel,"_

_So much for a romantic moment. Rachel's response wasn't exactly what she had been anticipating. An overjoyed yes, or even a calm one, or perhaps her saying it was too soon. Those she could have predicted, but laughter was completely unexpected._

_When Quinn asked the question, Rachel had stopped walking, completely shocked. Then, after a moment of silence she burst into laughter. Rachel turned to look at her, sure that Quinn was joking, but when she saw the look in her eyes, and the ring in her hand, she realized that this was for real. Her laughter ceased, and the joy on her face quickly became surprise. Quinn was actually proposing. "Are you serious?" Rachel asked incredulously, not sure if she wanted to hear an answer or not._

"_Yes. I know we are meant for each other, so why wait? This is the real thing," Quinn explained._

_Rachel raised her eyebrows sceptically. "I don't know what to say. I think this is a bit too soon. Maybe we should wait a while to make this all official," Rachel said, trying to reason with her._

_Quinn nodded. "If you need time, that's ok. Will you wear the ring, as a promise ring?" Rachel nodded and held out her hand. It was a nice ring, after all._

Two weeks after the proposal fiasco, everything fell apart…

_They had been out for dinner, a nice restaurant in Downtown, when it all happened. Quinn hadn't mentioned getting engaged again. She hadn't mentioned marriage, kids, or anything that would concern their future together. She had been planning on letting Rachel bring the topic up, let her start the conversation. Quinn didn't want to seem too pushy. No matter what she had been planning, she was the one to bring up the topic of an engagement._

_Rachel wasn't wearing the ring. The dwarf-mined diamond solitaire ring that had cost Quinn a fortune, half of her life savings, to be exact. "Where's your ring?" Quinn asked calmly, not wanting to seem too upset about Rachel not wearing it in case she had a perfectly good reason not to wear it._

"_Oh, I decided not to wear it today. I'm not all that big on jewellery" she responded casually, waving her hand as if to dismiss the subject._

"_Not big on jewellery? That is you engagement ring, Rachel! It should be something you wear everyday for the rest of your life!"_

_Rache; choked on the water she had been drinking "I thought we agreed that it would be a promise ring." She said slowly._

"_That was a mistake," said Quinn firmly. "It is an engagement ring. The same promise is being made. We promise each other to get married." She said, hoping Rachel would see it this way._

"_You're right," Rachel finally said. Quinn relaxed. "It was a mistake. I don't want to promise you anything. I don't want to make promises about the future of our relationship. Promises I can't keep. I'm not entirely sure our relationship has much of a future at all."_

_Quinn felt as though Rachel had just hit her directly in the stomach. She stared at Rachel for a few moments, unable to formulate an intelligible reply. "You don't want to marry me?" she finally asked._

_Rachel thought for a moment, considering her answer. Did she really want to wake up next to this woman every morning for the rest of her life? Did she want to live with her, have children with her, and have her as her one and only lover for the rest of her life? "No" she replied, "I'm sorry, but that isn't what I want." She paused. "Not at all." She added thoughtfully. "I should go." She stood and placed her napkin on the table in front of her. She turned and walked away from Quinn, out of her life. Rachel paused at the door, turning to look at Quinn one final time before leaving the restaurant._

The third anniversary of that evening found Quinn in front of the fireplace once again. Over the past few weeks, her insomnia had occurred quite frequently. Her health had been suffering, as had her moods. She grabbed a bottle of whiskey, and downed half of it in a few rapid mouthfuls. She stood, stumbling over an stool. She kicked it violently, then turned and pushed the chair so that it tumbled over, landing close to the grate, but not near enough to become consumed by flames. Sje turned from the flickering flames, deciding to head back to bed. She stumbled over the stool once more, lost her balance, and crashed to the floor. She woke four hours later to the sounds of the birds outside.

As the weeks passed, Quinn barely slept at all. Her health continued to deteriorate, thanks to the lack of sleep and food, as well as her dependency on stimulants to stay awake and alert during work. Her marriage, if you could even call it that, began to suffer as well. She had never been a doting eife, as the marriage had been one of convenience, but her complete lack of attention to her wife only exacerbated the situation.

Santana Lopez had always had an obsession with the mysterious ex Head Cheerleader of McKinley High, and recognized her vulnerability after her relationship with Rachel had ended. Quinn had initially been irritated by Santana's attentions after Brittany had died in the war, but Quinn found her company tolerable enough to marry her. If the announcement of their engagement didn't stir enough jealousy in Rachel,s he would at least have an adoring wife. She really had expected Rachel to come back to her, begging Quinn to take her back, but she never did. By the time Quinn realized she wasn't going to come back, it was too late; she was already married. Throughout the first few years of marriage, she had always had a flicker of hope that Rachel would call her, begging for a second chance. That hope was extinguished the day he saw her at a bus stop.

_It was the first time Quinn had seen Rachel since the scene in the restaurant, and even though almost three years had gone by, Rachel still looked the same. Her long wavy brown hair, her plump cheeks red from the cold, and her mouth stretched into a delighted smile. Her companion was vaguely familiar, a former cheerleader from McKinley whose name she couldn't place, and it was obvious that they were together. They were walking quite close together, and as they got nearer, Quinn could see that they were holding hands. She was about to step into the first shop she came to to avoid conversation, but rachel had already seen her. The smile on Rachel's face fell a bit, but she didn't look away. Quinn nodded at her as she passed, leaving so quickly that Rachel couldn't have said a word to Quinn if she wanted to._

That had been about three months ago, right before the insomnia started. Quinn was in her chair again, the familiar pistol clutched in her hand.

There had always been a possibility, but now there was no chance of Rachel ever coming back to her. For years she had always consoled herself with the possibility that she really did love her, but she was just too proud to come back, afraid that she had moved on, maybe too depressed to leave her house, but the daily paper had robbed Quinn of even that small comfort.

The proof that Rachel had moved on arrived with the morning mail, plain as day and undeniable. A lovely photo on the sixth page of the paper_._A slightly chubbier, but very happy looking Rachel in the arms of the vaguely familiar woman she was with that day in Diagon Alley. _"Stephanie Richards, heir to Goldstein Enterprises, announces engagement."_

uinn rose from her chair and walked tiredly to her desk. She sat for over an hour, discarding several drafts of the letter she was writing before signing her name to her fifth attempt and placing the sealed envelope on the mantle above the fireplace. She returned to her chair, and gazed into the fire, seemingly lost in thought. A short while later, she reached into her pocket and produced the pistol that always seemed to accompany her during her late night musings.

She cocked the gun as she had a few weeks before, but instead of raising it to eye level and examining it, she closed her eyes and raised it to her lips. "Rachel" she breathed before pulling the trigger whilst pointing the gun into her mouth. And then everything went black.

At precisely 3:35 am, the police started banging on Ms. Rachel Berry's door to inform her of Quinn Fabray's death.

She rushed out of her bedroom, hair flying and robes wrinkled. She opened the door and stopped and listened scilently as the police apologized for having woke her up but found that she was to be told as there was a letter written to her at the scene of the death.

After the police left she collapsed into her seat thinking of what she had just been told. She sat in stunned silence as she learned the fate of her former lover. Suicide. She sat in her chair as the room darkened around her, unmoving, and unseeing as she stared intently ahead, her eyes glazed. It wasn't until almost an hour later that she noticed the thick envelope sitting in her lap. Her stomach gave a jolt of recognition when she saw the familiar slanted writing, and she took a deep breath before opening the envelope and reading the last words of Quinn Fabray.

_My Dearest Rachel…_


End file.
